A Ton of Bricks

Last Monday my family and I received some devastating news: My dad has been diagnosed with Transitional Cell Carcinoma. In short he has cancer and a tumor located in his bladder. My mom said the doctor believes it is approximately the size of a golf ball and located near the top of his bladder. He will have surgery to remove as much of the tumor as possible on Thursday. After the surgery they will know what type of chemotherapy he will receive; it will either be the regular old IV chemo or the chemo will be injected directly into his bladder. We are all hoping that it is able to be injected into his bladder, because with this route of therapy, he will most likely not suffer most of the side effects that go along with chemo- hair loss, energy loss, nausea, etc.

I think and feel like most every person who has battled cancer or has a loved one who has battled it. My first thought was, 'why my dad? what did he do to deserve this?' Sometimes I get upset with God because he did this to my dad, but I immediately regret being upset because we need God on our side to get Dad through it all. Sometimes I dream the doctors will do the surgery and will come out and say that everything looks great no further action is required; it's not realistic, and I know that. Sometimes, especially after I had just gotten the news, I felt like there was a ton of bricks sitting on my chest and I could hardly breathe. I couldn't even catch my breath.

Since we learned about the cancer and tumor, I have asked my mom a ton of questions- sometimes they are the same ones over and over- I have been praying, thinking the worst, pretending it isn't real, realizing it is real, and then praying again. I cried a lot. I cry daily, not a lot but at least a few tears. Bryce and I talk about it a little bit, but I am not really ready to talk about more than the medical aspect of things. Emily, being the smart child she is knew something was wrong as Bryce and I were discussing the situation so I told her that Grampa Don is sick and that he has owies in his tummy and it was called a tumor. She prays for him too every night.

This is a week for prayers and love and battling the things that we wish weren't real. Please, if you remember, say a prayer for my dad to get through this.

Emily and Grampa when Emily was about 6 weeks old.

First Haircut

Today was Emily's first haircut. I had been thinking about getting it trimmed for a couple of weeks. I got the prompting I needed after I saw how much hair Emily's cousin Kiya seemed to lose after her first haircut. I knew that it would be better to trim just a little bit off now rather than lose inches if I waited any longer.

I went to a local children's hair cutting salon in Fargo called Lil' Whipper Snippers. I decided to try this place out after a parent at the center very highly recommended the place to me. So, I made Emily her first hair appointment.

I told Emily when I returned to work after my break that Daddy and I would take her to get her haircut after school. Emily has been asking for and wanting a haircut for months now, so she was pretty excited to learn the news.

Here is Emily before we left for her haircut:

A picture of Emily while Lindsay was cutting her hair:

Emily after returning from her haircut:

The experience for me was great. I was allowed to take pictures of this very special first for Emily and we got a lock of Emily's hair that was cut off, a keepsake photo, and a t-shirt that says, "I got my first haircut at Lil' Whipper Snippers."

All in all Emily did really well. She was excited to go get her hair cut and she was very interested in watching her stylist cut her hair. She was a little nervous to sit in the chair, but enjoyed wearing the cape with penguins on it and watching Curious George. Her favorite part was getting a pink sucker at the end of it. I don't think we will have to convince this girl that haircuts are great!

Struggling

In the last week I have been struggling on more than one level. I am struggling as a teacher, as a mother and as a wife.

At work I have a child who is particularly aggressive and best described as a bully. Today the bully was in trouble five times at the zoo and I caught this child taunting my new Autistic child and I lost it. I really laid into the child and told them that they were the meanest kid I had ever met. I regretted it immediately and know it was VERY unprofessional. However I can't say that it isn't true. Sad.

As a wife I feel that I am not being what I want to be. I want to have meals planned. I want to have a tidy, fashionable house. I want to be so many things that I am not. Every evening I come home and it is all I can do to just stay awake. I can't make a meal and be pleasant to my husband and do all the laundry and cleaning without being a little resentful that he isn't helping, even though the majority of the cooking and cleaning is done by him. I just don't know how to snap out of it.

Having a child was the biggest dream come true of my life. And Emily has always been the light of my life. I couldn't imagine loving someone more than I love her. However I am struggling as a parent and I am not sure what to do to get 'my' girl back. Emily has been very sassy and not listening and throwing little hissy fits again when she doesn't get what she wants. She had five time outs on Sunday for just being downright naughty. Tonight (possibly as a result of stress caused by above mentioned child) I put soap in Emily's mouth for screaming during a fit. She didn't like it and I feel a little bit bad for doing it. I just don't know what to do to get through to her that she is not behaving in an appropriate manner. So, here comes them guilt of motherhood.

My dream is that tomorrow I wake up and I am the mother, wife, and teacher I dream of being; and know I can be!